Roomies Again
by xander1girl
Summary: Neela spirals downward into a pit of despair after finding out that Michael is heading back to Iraq causing her to do things she wouldn't normally do, and setting of a horrific chain of events.
1. Chapter 1

**Roomies Again**

**Part 1:**

"I can't bloody well believe this!" I shout as loud as I could, not even caring what the neighbors would think or do. I was mad, and both Michael and Ray who was peeking his head out of a crack in his bedroom door, thinking we wouldn't notice him there could tell it. "We were just MARRIED Michael does that mean ANYTHING to you at all?" I demand, ignoring Ray for the time being.

"Of course it does Neela, it means everything to me…" Michael starts to protest before I cut him off again.

"No it damn well doesn't!" I continue to scream "Because if it did you wouldn't be doing this to me now! You selfish arrogant son of a…"

"Neela." He grabs my shoulders, attempting to calm me, to stop my rant before I embarrassed him or something, but I was beyond that now, there was no stopping me.

I shove him away, not caring if he fell and smashed his head off something. "Don't 'Neela' me Michael. You had no intention of staying here did you? No intention of being my fucking husband. All you care about are your stupid army buddies over in Iraq. I tried to understand, I tried to be what you wanted but you never really wanted me. I was just a toy to you, something for you to use up, to pretend you were all right, that you were normal. But you're not normal are you?"

He steps forward and opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off before he can even speak one syllable. "GO! If that's what you want. Go back to Iraq and get yourself killed I'm THROUGH caring for you because every once and a while, I'd like to get something back."

"It's not like that…" he begins before I cut him off yet again.

"Yes it bloody well is like that you pathetic git! You would rather be over there getting shot at and blown up treating people who you will see again in a week! I understand the need for medics over there I know there is a war and the soldiers need your help but what about me? I need your help too, your support but I don't matter because I'm not out in a god damn war zone getting shot at!"

"Neela you don't understand I know you need me and I do love you I just feel like I can do more good over there…" he protests

"Well that makes two of us. You don't seem to be doing any good here at all so just go." I scream back at him, an awkward silence following. He was just standing there, staring at me like an idiot. I knew he was going to go back, nothing I could say or do would change his mind so why should I bother? I had wasted 

enough time on him, now I needed to move on.

"Will you be here when I get back?" he asks quietly

"Yes." I answer looking back at him with rage still in my eyes and voice "Just I won't be waiting for you." I turn towards the bedrooms, spotting Ray duck back into his, closing the door enough so it wouldn't look like he was listening in. "Ray… get out here!" I demand angrily

Michael looks over at me, a confused look on his face as Ray's door slowly creaks open and he sheepishly steps out and towards us in the living room.

"I wasn't listening in…well ok I was but I blame the paper thin walls…" he says

"I don't care if you were listening Ray…come over here please." I ask anger still dripping off every word.

He obeys, shrugging at a look by Michael and moving to stand at my side.

I turn back to Michael and cross my arms. "Get the hell out of my apartment." I demand, and he gives me a dumbfounded look.

"Neela…" he starts

"I said get out Michael now please leave before I call the police." I respond, my tone never wagering. I didn't know why I had called Ray out, but it was a great comfort having him at my side at this moment, it made me feel stronger, and I really needed that at this moment.

"I love you Neela…" Michael starts taking a step forward reaching his arm out to touch me.

I back away, beyond angry now and make a split second decision. Moving quickly and catching both the men off guard, I grab Ray and kiss him, as passionately as I could, wrapping my arms around his neck, noticing that it only took him a couple of seconds to stop resisting. After a few moments, I let go and turn back to Michael, who was still standing there, an even dumber look on his face now.

"I don't love you anymore Michael, while you were busy pushing me away, putting your army buddies over me, I moved on…I love Ray now and I don't wish to be married to you anymore."

"You're lying." He says plainly "I can see it in your eyes, in the way he tried to push you away…Neela don't do this. Don't try to make me jealous so I will go away because it's not going to happen."

"But it is! It's already happened Michael you reenlisted! You are leaving me and going back to Iraq, and I SAID I loved him, not that he loved me because well I never bothered to tell him. Didn't want him to think he was what split us up when really it was you and your stupidity. So I will say it again, get the hell 

out of my apartment!"  
He frowns and FINALLY turns and heads to the door, grabbing his green duffel bag, already pre packed by me when I got off shift that afternoon. He opens the door and turns back, opening his mouth to speak, but instead just shaking his head.

"I'll mail you the papers…" I call to him "Sign them and send them back and we can forget this ever happened."

He turns and leaves without another word, and I find myself letting out a sigh of relief, feeling as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I turn back to Ray, who looked as dumbfounded as Michael, maybe even slightly more. After a few moments of silence, he swallows, shrugs and puts on a smile.

"Wow…that was some kiss…you are very convincing ever think you were in the wrong career?" he says with a small laugh, obviously trying to keep the mood light.

"Ray…" I shake my head and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder, the tears starting to fall down my cheeks.

He holds me tight to his chest and runs a hand threw my hair. "Shh Neela…you did the right thing…it's going to be ok...look on the bright side, least now you don't have to leave the apartment. We can be Roomies again!"

I inhale sharply and pull away to look into his eyes, the concern there, and the kindness, the caring. That was what I always wanted, what I thought I had with Michael… "Make love to me…" I whisper softly

He frowns and backs away, shaking his head "Neela...I can't you just broke up with Michael and…well I'm flattered but your doing this out of grief and that's not something you need right now…not from me or anyone…"

"Please..." I whisper again "I just need to feel…I can't be this empty this hollow I need something real…"

"You have something Neela, you have me… as a friend, as a roomie I will be there for you but anything else would be taking advantage of you and I can't do that. I care about you far to much to ever even think about doing something like that…"

I lean upwards and kiss him again, this time softly, gently. I wanted him so bad at that moment, and I wasn't quite sure why. I knew he cared for me, I just needed to feel it…I felt so numb…I had to feel something.

He pushes me back again "Neela no…we can't."

"Please..." I beg "Ray I just need you to…you say you care I need to feel it…I need to know it's there…"

"So I will show you it's there, without needing to take off any clothing…besides maybe my sweater because it's getting quite warm in here…" he backs away and removed the hoodie he had been wearing.

I swallow again and lick my lips. "I need a drink…" I announce, heading into the kitchen and reaching for Ray's liquor stash, grabbing two glasses and filling them, handing one to him as he follows behind me. I would get what I wanted…one way or another.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning sun shone through a small crack in the curtains, creating a thin beam of light across my bed, and right into my eyes. I moan and open them, moving my arm to rub the sleep away. I yawn and move to get up, the events of the previous night suddenly hitting me like a baseball bat.

_"You Neela…you are…drunk ok. Drunk as a…drunk person…" Ray's voice was slurred and mumbled as he stumbled towards me._

I giggled and caught him as he tripped and fell into me, our faces inches from one another.

"And so pretty…even when you've been crying…you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen…" he mumbles out

I lean forward and kiss him, which he greatly returns, wrapping his strong arms around my waist.

I attempt to slide free of his embrace, as I move, he groans and rolls onto his side, facing away from me, the blanket sliding downwards just past his naked hip. I bring my hand to my head and sigh. What had I done? Ray was going to be furious with me when he woke up. He had specifically told me he didn't feel that way about me, that he wouldn't take advantage of me…and I used him for what? Did I feel any better now then I had when Michael left? I sit there for a moment, pondering this, watching him sleep, breathing softly and I realize, I did. I had gotten everything I had wanted, and more from Ray that night but at what cost? Would he even speak to me now? Would he want me out of the apartment?

I move free from the bed and attempt to locate my clothing, which was scattered about the messy room, bits and pieces missing, still in the living room no doubt, suddenly thinking I could hide this. Gather my clothing from the room and Ray would be none the wiser…usually were he drunk enough he wouldn't remember the nights before…but would last night be one of those nights? Was it wrong of me to deceive him this way? I dress as well as I could and glance around the room, unable to believe I was actually considering lying about something this big to my best friend. Suddenly I realize, even if I did pull it off, and he didn't remember, he would wonder why he woke up in my bed.

"Dam it." I curse under my breath "Why did I have to get the closer room?" I frown, wondering what the hell I was going to do now, just as Ray shifts on the bed once more, rolling back to his other side, facing me now. I freeze in fear as he stretches and opens his eyes, jumping back as he spots me standing watching him in only my bra and underwear.

"Good morning Ray." I say in the fakest happy voice I could muster

He looks down at himself and yanks the blanket up, moving off the bed and to his feet. "Dam it Neela!" he shouts, gripping the blanket around his waist tightly "What the hell? I know you were hurting but…I thought I made it clear!"

I look down, unable to answer him, the guilt hitting me harder then the memories of the previous night 

had. He crosses the room, and when I look up again, I can see the anger filling his face. I swallow and attempt to speak.

"Ray…I'm sorry I was hurt and I just…" I begin

"You just what Neela? Had to use me as a pity fuck so you could feel better about leaving your husband? You…you were my best friend and I trusted you! If you had any idea…" he stops himself and looks down, the look on his face…he seemed to be holding something back.

"Ray…I know and I am sorry. There is no excuse for what I did…and you have every right to be angry with me. You are my best friend too, and I shouldn't have ruined our friendship over something so selfish and meaningless…"

He looks back up at me, the anger in his face replaced with hurt. "It wasn't meaningless…not to me…Neela…" he stops again, taking a breath and looking away before continuing "If you had any idea how much…how much I wanted that to happen…how much I felt for you, I held it all in cuz you had Michael and I didn't want to get in the way…but now, you've cheapened everything I ever felt. Last night may have been meaningless to you…but it opened my eyes…now I see who you really are and I'm glad I found out before I tried to get involved with you…"

He brushes past me and I couldn't move, or speak. He cared for me? He…everything I had said the previous night, to him; to Michael…the kiss I had given him…I was an idiot. A fool and now I had lost my best friend because of it.

I hear his door slam and a few things bang around in his room before loud rock music began to blast from his CD player. I make my way back to my bed, falling onto it and closing my eyes, the tears beginning to stream from my eyes.

I had no husband, no best friend and probably soon no place to live. Where would I go now? Back to Abby's couch? Was she even living there anymore? Her and Luka had become quite close…but he had just ended things with Sam, probably not looking to settle down again so soon…I should call her. Even if Ray didn't decide to kick me out, I should at least give him some space. I owed him that much.

I reach over to grab my cordless phone, wiping the tears from my eyes as I dial Abby's number, hoping I didn't wake her.

"Hello…" I hear her answer groggily

"Abby? It's Neela…I hope I didn't wake you…" I speak, my voice hoarse now

I hear her shift on the other end, probably was sitting up in her bed. "No…well yea kinda but I need to be up in an hour anyway for my shift so…you need something?"  


I swallow and sigh, trying to think of the easiest way to explain this to her what had happened without bursting into tears over the phone.

"I…I…" I couldn't get the words I needed to say out of my mouth. "Is there anyway I could crash on your couch for a few days? Ray and I…had a disagreement and I think he could use some space…"

"Sure…is Michael coming too? I'm not sure if my couch is big enough for two people but your welcome to try…"

"No Michael and I…we broke up. He's probably halfway back to Iraq by now…"

"Sweetie I'm sorry…god when did it happen? Do you need someone to talk to?"

I bite back tears and take a sharp breath. "Yes…" I mumble out softly, knowing there was much more then just Michael I needed to talk to someone about.

"Ok…well gather some things and meet me at our usual coffee place…we can talk alright? I actually have a few things I should tell you too…good things, might cheer you up…"

I nod, despite the fact she couldn't see it over the phone and swallow again before answering. "Alright…give me a few minutes…"

"No problem." She answers "I'll see you in a few ok? You're going to get through this Neela, I will be there every step of the way…I promise."

"Thank you Abby…" I respond before hanging up and gathering some things around the room, dressing properly.

After I had all I needed, I left my room, contemplating telling Ray where I was going, but deciding against it. He didn't want to see my face let alone hear my voice right now…I decide to leave him a note, just so if he still could, he wouldn't worry about me.

_Ray,_

I am really sorry for what I have done, and I have gone to stay at Abby's for a few days, give you time to clear your head. If you decide you want me out, of the apartment and your life, I completely understand. Just let me know…leave me a note, and I will gather my things while you are at work…

I care for you Ray, and I would really like us to get through this, one way or another, but after what I have done, it is best if you make that decision.

_Yours,  
Neela_

I leave the note on the kitchen counter and leave quickly, wanting to get to Abby, to spill this tragic story, and hopefully make sense of it as well.


	3. Chapter 3

When my shift started that night, a feeling of dread hit the pit of my stomach. He was on tonight too, and if I knew the ER, I knew Ray and I were highly likely bump into one another and I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to that happening or not. Abby hadn't been much help, he kept asking questions like "How was he?" and stating Ray and I had been flirting around the ER for months, something I can't really recall doing, but according to her, I was and it was obvious Ray had a thing for me, a thing which I shared. How could I have been so blind to it? Did EVERYONE notice it but me?

"Neela…" I hear my name and am drawn from my thoughts. Looking up I can see Jerry looking right at me, concerned.

"You ok?" he asks taking a step towards me

I nod and blink "Yea sorry just…thinking…did you need something?"

"No just have a message for you…Ray was looking for you a few minutes ago. Seemed important." He nods, eyeing me curiously

I nod again and force a smile "Thanks…any idea where he is now?" I try to seem normal, happy even but I am filled with dread. Ray wanting to talk to me could be a blessing, or, most likely a curse. I don't know what I would do without Ray in my life, Abby's words once again running through my thoughts.

_"You so have a thing for him Neela. I've seen you two, with the goo goo eyes even though you both pretend it's not happening. You dig the boy just admit it."_

Did I? I knew I felt something for him, but I always thought it was simply friendship, the sort of feelings one would have for a brother, a cousin, never anything more. Maybe I was wrong in my assumption.

"Not a clue." Jerry's voice rang out, once again interrupting my thoughts "He's probably with a patient, shouldn't take too long to find him."

I smile at him and nod again, feeling like a complete idiot. "Thanks, I'll go look for him…it's dead tonight anyways…" I move away from the main reception and head into the belly of the beast. There were few patients here tonight the ER was unusually quiet, which should be a bad omen it it's own sense. As I head to the trauma rooms, I hear a small noise, and something crash to the floor. On instinct I rush to the sound, but as I reach the point of origin, I hear something else.

I frown at the door, trying the knob to find it locked. Odd, this door was rarely locked, even on a night as dead as this. I notice a small hole in the blinds at the bottom of the door, and my curiosity getting the best of me, I look around to make sure no one was coming before kneeling down to peer into the hole, almost immediately wishing I hadn't.

Through the small hole I can see Ray, his back to me, with someone, their face blocked by the back of his 

head, but I know immediately they were not just talking. I should turn away, pretend I hadn't seen anything but for some reason, I am frozen in place my eyes wide watching in horror as Ray writhes and moans at this woman's touch. He turns his head and I can see the pleasure on his face, jealousy filling me now. Just as I move to turn away, he moves his head again, and I can finally see the face of the woman…Sam? The nurse…the on with the child…the one who had been with Luka, watched me like a hawk whenever I was put with him…how could he? He said he cared for me, that he wanted me…how could he have some meaningless romp with Sam while he was at work? It wasn't like him at all.

I finally step back from the door, my heart heavy in my chest, my face felt as if it were on fire. I had done this, I had changed him with my selfishness…the Ray I knew was gone now, possibly forever and it was entirely my fault. I walk down the hall a ways, and then lean my back against the wall sliding down to the floor, my head in my hands, hot tears forming once more.

I sat there for several minutes longer, feeling like a sack of shit for everything I had done. To Ray, to Michael…maybe I was just meant to be alone. I hear the door to the room Ray had been in open, but I do not dare look up to which it was exiting first. They breeze by me quickly, not even noticing I was there and I sigh heavily and sink further to the ground. Before hearing someone calling my name…

"Neela?"

I look up and he was standing there, looking down at me, concern on his features, but I could also see the anger still in his eyes.

"You alright?" he asks plainly

I shake my head, unsure of what to say to him at the moment. I wanted to ask him if I was meant to see what I had, if it was some sort of punishment for what I had done to him. I was surprised how much it had hurt seeing him with Sam like that…and was beginning to think Abby was right in her assumption. I cared for Ray, more then I would any brother or roommate…

"You saw that didn't you?" he speaks again, breaking me from my thoughts "The thing just now…with Sam?"

I look up at him and nod, standing to my feet "Was I supposed to? Jerry told me you were looking for me. Was that some kind of show to hurt me? Because if so, good job." I move to brush past him; I needed to be…away for now. Somewhere where I could be alone to cry these tears of pain and regret.

He grabs my arm and spins me to face him. "No Neela, you weren't. I'm not like that. Mad as I am at you, I couldn't ever hurt you like that…it's just a thing that has happened a few times…starting before last night…I'm not sure what it is but it's better then moaning over you for the rest of my life. You had a husband…correction you HAVE a husband and I thought I should move on."'

"To Sam?" I reply quietly

He shrugs "Maybe, don't really know yet…like I said, it just keeps sorta happening with Sam…could lead to something, could lead to nowhere…still better then nothing."

He turns to leave and it was my turn to grab his arm and turn him around. I shake my head, tears welling in my eyes again. "It's not nothing Ray…you still have a chance. I'm not with Michael anymore...and I don't plan to ever be again…I…well I realized something today…a sort of smack in the face surprise but…a good one."

I stop and he eyes me curiously, waiting for me to continue. Saying nothing with words, but speaking volumes with his eyes.

"I…I think I…I love you Ray." I blurt out "I have for quite some time now and I hadn't really noticed until…"

He pulls away "Until this morning when I told you the same? Or when Abby told you over Coffee? Neela, what your feeling isn't love, it's guilt. Look, yea I'm mad and I probably will be for a good while, but I don't want you out of the apartment or my life. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't ever have you…I don't need your pity."

I frown. How could I show him it wasn't just pity I felt for him? I take a breath and grab his arm again, quickly pulling him towards me and leaning up to kiss him.

He kisses me back, wrapping his strong arms around my waist, and for a moment things felt so perfect, so real and clear. I felt so safe in his arms, like I should have with Michael, and it is clear to me now, Ray is the man I should spend the rest of my life with, he was the one all along.

He pulls away and swallows, looking into my eyes. I could see the anger in his eyes gone now. He just stands there, his arms still gripping my waist lightly, holding on to me.

I look back at him, unable to move or speak…just caught in the moment, the not so busy ER around us disappearing, until all there was, was he and I.

"So…I can stay in the apartment…" I finally choke out, finding myself unable to say anything else.

He nods "You're my roomie…course you can…"

"Just your roomie?" I inquire, almost dreading the answer.

He pulls away and nods "Yea…just my roomie…it's all you can be Neela, I'm sorry." He turns and walks off towards the main reception desk.


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of my day was spent treating patients. We were suddenly hit with loads of traumas and emergencies, which is exactly what I needed to get everything that had happened in the past couple days out of my head.

"Alright Ms Hudson…" I say with a smile as I wrap a bandage around a patient's burnt hand "Just make sure this stays wrapped up, and put the cream on it three times a day and you should be alright…"

Ms Hudson nods and offers me a weak smile "Last time I cook with that old pan…next time I'll just get Ricky to do it…"

I let a small laugh and a nod slip in her direction before finishing off my work and stepping back. "You're free to go home now…come back and see me in about a week, so I can check to make sure it's healing up alright.

She nods and I leave the room, marking down what I had told her on her chart. Looking down at the clipboard, I didn't notice as I plowed right into someone, knocking me back a few steps, and them onto the ground.

"I'm so sorry I was just…" I look up to see Sam getting up off the dirty ER floor, and dusting herself off. "Sam…I'm sorry I was just marking on this chart and I didn't see you…are you alright?"

She glares at me, and I could tell she was angry, probably not just for the little bump I had given her.

"Neela…I've been meaning to talk to you…is there an empty room or something we can go to?" she asks, anger dripping from her voice as she brushes past me, leading me back to the room I had just left.

Ms Hudson was just putting her coat on as we entered. She looks between the two of us, raising an eyebrow. "Looks like you two want to be alone…that's my cue to leave…unless there's going to be some kind of oil involved in this fight which in that case I would stay and referee…"

I give her an odd look and she smiles "Alright…leaving now…" she brushes past us and exits the room quickly, leaving Sam and I alone.

I swallow and turn back to the angry nurse, awaiting the worst. "You had something you wanted to speak to me about?" I ask, trying to sound brave and casual.

She nods "Yea I do…" she takes a breath and glances out the door to see if anyone was coming before continuing. "Ray and I…we have a thing…nothing serious I'm not claiming him but we talk…and I see what you are doing to him…Neela he loves you and you treat him like garbage. He told me what you did to him, which was low, even for you."

"That is between Ray and I." I respond defiantly "You have no business in it. Like you said, you're not 

with Ray you just fuck him every now and then when you're bored or lonely…so you have no say in what goes on between him and I."

"Come on Neela, don't give me that self righteous bullshit. You fucked things up with your husband so your moving on to the next male body you can find. Lay off Ray alright, you've put him through enough."

Anger boiled up inside me now. Anger for Sam sticking her nose into things she had no business knowing, and anger at Ray for telling her the details of my personal life. "Ok Sam let me clue you in on a few things. ONE, you have no right sticking your nose into any of this. What happens between Ray and I AND my husband and I is my fucking business, not yours. And TWO, you don't speak for Ray. So piss off and go bother someone else…"

I move to brush past her, but she grabs my arm and spins me around "I chose to speak for Ray, since you don't seem to be listening to him. He told you he was over you, he didn't want you as anything but a roommate, so listen to him, back off and leave him alone before you crush him."

I glare at her and yank my arm from her grasp before opening the door and storming out of the room. Who did she think she was? Telling me what I should and shouldn't do…bloody bint was lucky I didn't knock her teeth down her throat…

"Hey don't walk away from me, I'm talking to you!"

Michael's angry voice dug me free from my thoughts. I frown and follow the sound to the main reception area, where Michael and Ray stood, looking as if they were about to do what I wanted to with Sam.

"Bloody hell…" I mutter under my breath as I jog to the boys, hoping I could reason with them before someone was hurt.

"I already told you man. Neela is my roommate, that's all." Ray argued, "I have nothing else to say to you…."

"Neela is my WIFE Ray, despite what you heard last night, that's not going to change. I'm going to work things out with Neela and you are going to quit harassing my wife. No more guitar pick necklaces or mixed CDs…" Michael yells

"Those were gifts for my friend. I don't want to steal your wife from you Michael are you even listening to what I'm saying?" Ray retorts

I jog up to them, standing between them and giving them both a stern glance. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Sam watching intently, but I shrug her off. Her issues wasn't what was important right now, it was getting Ray and Michael away from one another.  


"What the hell?" I ask, looking between them "Honestly I have no idea where to start, with either of you…I mean my god…" I look to Michael "You were supposed to be on your way back to Iraq…why are you still here? I already told you how I felt, and I gave you my bloody blessing…why haven't you gone?"

"I was on my way…but I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't leave you Neela, not like this…" He answers tilting his head to the side and giving me those puppy dog eyes I used to find so irresistible

I shake my head "Nothing has changed Michael, and nothing will. This marriage was a mistake, we are just too different, and I barely know you…" I glance down at the floor for a moment before looking back to him and continuing "I went to see my lawyer at my lunch break… and he drew up the divorce papers…"

Michael shook his head "I won't sign them…not so you can go traipsing off with him." He points to Ray

I sigh and close my eyes, biting my tongue, holding back the things I really wanted to say. "I'm not with Ray Michael. I already told you that."

"But you want to be." Michael shot back "Don't even try to deny it Neela…I can see it in your eyes."

I shake my head again "No…I'm not sure WHAT I want right now, but I know what I don't want, and that's you. And that is nobody's fault but your own Michael. You pushed me away, shoved me off so you could go play soldier some more. Don't blame me, and certainly don't blame Ray, because it was all you."

It became clear to me now that people were watching and listening intently. My whole life, put out for everyone in the ER to hear…

"How long until he makes his move huh?" Michael asks "How long till he has you, till he's fucking you in our bed…"

"Shut the fuck up Michael!" I say as I slap him hard in the face "I already god damn told you I'm not with Ray! Do I need to say it again? Fine I will. I will say it to EVERYONE in this ER right here and right now and maybe then you will get in through that moronic brain of yours. I AM NOT WITH RAY!" I shout the last bit louder then the rest. "Would I like to be…maybe but does that matter? Not really. He's already fucking Sam; apparently has been for weeks…did I know? No and why? Because you did all you could to keep me from even speaking to Ray outside of work because you are nothing but an insecure little boy."

I run to behind the main desk and grab an envelope containing the divorce papers, hurrying back to him and shoving them into his hands. "Sign them, leave them on the desk and get the hell out of my life."

I storm off before he could say anything, before anyone could say anything…I needed to be alone right 

now…I needed a good hard shot of Whiskey, but that would have to wait until I arrived home after my shift.


	5. Chapter 5

Later that night, when I got off shift, Abby too me out for a drink at a local club. Got all skanky dressed; something Abby insisted would make me feel better but only left me feeling incredibly awkward…until of course the drinks begin.

"I can't feel my legs!" I shout above the large crowd, the music pumping loudly. A few people close to me cheer and someone claps me on the back. I grin and continue to move to the music, until I spot Abby sitting at a nearby table, looking incredibly worried. I dance my way to her, a big grin on my face.

"Common Abby!" I shout over the music "Shirley your condition doesn't forbid you to dance...actually, I'm a Dr, and I know you are fine to dance…what's wrong?"

"I'm worried about a friend of mine." She responds, standing to her feet and walking to me, setting a hand on my shoulder. "Neela, this isn't healthy for you…and I'm not speaking as a Dr, I'm speaking as a friend…"

I shake my head and pull away. "What's unhealthy? Me trying to move on with my life? Michael was a mistake; Ray isn't ever going to happen so I'm accepting it and moving on."

"No Neela your not. You are getting drunk and trying to cover up the pain you are in. I know what it's like I've been there…" She begins, but I interrupt

"Abby I'm not you. I'm not an alcoholic. I NEVER get to have fun! I'm always working or got my nose in some book…obsessing over Michael or trying to hide my feelings for Ray…I NEED this I DESERVE this."

She shakes her head and takes a breath. "Well I'm sorry Neela. I tried to help but obviously you don't want it and I don't want to be around when you self destruct." She turns to grab her coat then turns back to me, as she begins to walk away. "Call me when you want advise from an alcoholic…"

She turns and leaves me standing there, a frown on my face. Don't know what her problem is, I'm just having some much-deserved fun. I'm not going to self-destruct or become an alcoholic…it's only one night. I shake my head and turn back to the busy dance floor, finding myself a cute guy to grind into…

As I gyrate my way around the dance floor, I seem to make enemies fast. Girls glare at me as I dance with or near the men they had come with, but I am beyond caring by this point. A rather large blonde woman steps out in front of me, her eyes so narrowed I had no idea of there colour.

"May I help you?" I slur out, licking my lips and blinking rapidly, trying to only see one of this girl.  
"Yea you can help me." She responds nastily "You can stay the hell away from my boyfriend."

I frown and look around "Which one was he?" I look back to her "Look I'm not here to make trouble…just to have a little fun so I borrowed your boyfriend for a dance or two…don't really want him for much else…"  


The girl's glare somehow deepens and I see less of her eyes, and more of her fist. She strikes me hard in the face, sending me backwards. The crowd parts slightly as I fall, but lucky for me, someone hadn't heard what had been going on, and was standing in my path. I plummet into the girl, sending her to the floor; miraculously I don't fall with her.

"Hey…watch it…" she starts until she sees who I was, as I turn at the familiar voice. She frowns and shakes her head, pulling herself off the floor and dusting herself off "Neela…you really need to quit knocking me over. If you want to talk to me, all you gotta do is ask…"

Before I get a chance to respond, another familiar voice sounds form behind her.

"Hey Sam I got us a table in the back nice and private so we can…Neela?"

I swallow and smile weakly "Hello Ray.."


	6. Chapter 6

The music was quieter in the corner where Ray and Sam had taken me. I sat between them, head lowered, not knowing what to say or do feeling incredibly awkward.

"Neela…" Ray finally spoke "What the hell do you think you were doing? Getting drunk and groping random strangers? Fighting…this isn't like you Neela…"

I look up at him and shrug "I needed a change. Was tired of leading my boring life…can you just move so I can get out of here please?" I was pretending to be angrier then I actually was, hoping they would fall for it and leave me alone.

Sam scootches out of the seat, freeing up me an escape and I move quickly out of the cramped booth back into the open, letting a soft sigh slip loose before turning back to the dance floor.

"Neela wait…" Ray calls to me, and I stop, finding myself unable to take another step, my body turning to his voice uncontrollably.  
"You shouldn't be doing this…"

I give him a silent look, trying my best to appear angry with him, uncaring when really all I felt was my heart breaking. All this time he had loved me and I had been blind to it, and now I had finally woken up and realized my true feelings for him, it was too late.  
I turn my back to him and head back to the dance floor, accidentally running into someone, something I seemed to be doing a lot of recently.

"Well…come back for your beating have you?" The voice was familiar…and as I looked up, I saw why. The woman who had shoved me earlier stood in front of me, looking just as angry as she had earlier.  
Not wanting to deal with her, I shake my head and move past her, heading to the bar and nodding at the bartender for a drink. "Something hard and strong…" I say simply, grabbing and downing the drink before he could fully set it down, and nodding for another. The bartender gives me a strange look then shrugs, pouring me another.

"I wasn't done with you." The girl's voice sounds from behind me "Stand up and let me get this over with.

I down the new drink set in front of me and take a breath. I was sick of this shit. Being the meek little bookworm Neela, always doing the right thing…fuck that…the voice of reason in me was fading with each drink I nodded at the bartender to pour me…I was tired of it all.

"Hey terrorist, I'm talking to you..." the girl's shrill voice speaks again, this time I don't ignore it.

Without a word, I spin quickly and jump off the stool, punching the woman with all I had right in that big gaping mouth of hers.

"I'll show you fucken terrorist…" I growl, punching her again before she could recover from the previous punch.  


She gets to her feet and shoots me a glare, wiping the blood from her lip before charging at me, knocking me into the bar behind me. My empty glass, and that of a few others' at the bar crash to the floor upon impact. Working off pure adrenaline now, I shove her off me and send a punch to her midsection, followed by an uppercut to her jaw, having no idea how I all of a sudden learned to fight.

She grunts as my hits connect, but manages to punch me in the face, causing my nose to start bleeding. I wipe the blood away as she pulls away from me, circling me. This time it is me who runs at her, tackling her to the ground with all I could muster, punching her hard and fast multiple times to the face, letting out all the emotions I had been repressing the past few days.

"Neela!" I hear my name being called, but I ignore it and continue to beat the girl's face in, not even thinking about her or the comments she had made. Flashes of the past few days ran through my mind. Michael choosing the war over me, what I had selfishly done to Ray…finding him with her…

I feel myself being lifted from the girl, my arms still flailing in the air as I'm pulled away. I wasn't done yet. For some reason, wailing on that girl made me feel a hell of a lot better then all those shots and drinks I had…

"Back up I'm a nurse…" I heard Sam say, as she cut in front of me and knelt beside the bleeding girl, checking her over as I continue to struggle in the arms of my captor.

"Let me the hell down..." I grumble kicking whoever it was holding me, considering aiming for the groin and hoping they were male. Instead I lower my head and bite their hand.

"Oww Jesus Neela…calm down it's me…" I hear Ray's pained voice call out.  
I relax slightly and look behind me to see that Ray was the one holding me down. I look away quickly, the humility of everything suddenly kicking in. What the hell was I doing?

"She's going to be ok." Sam says to the crowd that had formed while I was thrashing the girl, a crowd I hadn't seen until now.  
"Let me go Ray I want to go home…" I say, trying to pull away from him. "Let me go home…"

Ray shakes his head "Neela you are trashed you can't drive home…Sam and I will give you a lift…" he lets go of me and I take a breath when my feet hit the floor again, trying to keep myself from lunging at the woman again…or lunging at Sam.  
"You take her home…I'll stay here till the ambulance arrives…make sure she's ok." Sam says with a smile to Ray that made me feel sick.

Ray nods "Alright…you gonna come by after?"  
Sam shakes her head "No…I should get home I have to pick up Alex in the morning from his friend's house and I said I'd spend the day with him…"  
Ray nods and moves past me walking towards her, leaning down and kissing her, my stomach lurched forward and I was forced to look away.  


"I'll catch you later then…" Ray said with a smile, walking back to me. Sam smiles and nods at him and I unknowingly cast her a glare. "Common Neela…" he says to me taking my arm gently and leading me to the exit.

The ride back to the apartment was excruciating and silent. I couldn't do anything but stare out the window, there was so much I wished I could say, but I knew it wouldn't matter. Nothing could change his mind now, and I owed it to him to do as he wished…let the love of my life go because I was a stupid moron and messed it up…as per usual.

Once back at the apartment, Ray immediately moved me to the couch, bringing a soft blue blanket from his room and wrapping me in it before vanishing to the kitchen, to make us some coffee. I curled up with the blanket, closing my eyes slightly, fighting back the tears that wanted so badly to fall.

"Here we go," he says coming back into the living room with two cups of steaming hot coffee and setting one down on the coffee table in front of me. "I added a couple extra's to yours…old Barnett family recipe…will help with the hangover tomorrow…" he offers me a small smile and sits down next to me. I shuffle over uncomfortably, to give him some space. "You know it's our anniversary," he says after a few minutes of silence, and I finally look at him with a confused look. "It has been exactly two years to the day that you moved in here with me…it's our roomieversary!"

I laugh and shake my head "Yea and I have done enough celebrating for the both of us…" I bring the mug to my lips, but before I could take a sip, the mug touches my nose and I cry out in pain, nearly dropping the hot mug.

"You all right?" he asks, reaching to take the mug before it fell to the floor. I grimace in pain and bring a hand to my nose, my eyes tearing slightly.  
"I think my nose is broken…" I say quietly, pain in my voice.  
"Yea that's that happens when you get punched there…you're a Doctor figured you of all people would know that…"

I give him a look and he smiles, standing and heading to the bathroom, returning with the first aid kit then sitting back down to examine my nose. I could still smell…which at this point was more of a curse then a blessing. He was so close as he put a small bandage on my nose; just the smell of him was more intoxicating then anything I had drank that night. When he was through, he backs up to examine his work.  
"There…doesn't look broken but tomorrow you can have Abby or someone look at it a bit closer…" he gets up again, replacing the kit back to the bathroom, heading to the stereo when he returned. "How about some music? Something soothing…calming…"

I nod silently, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. He was being so sweet to me…I didn't deserve it. An old country song begins to play and I hear him walk back to the couch, but not sit.

_Maybe I didn't love you  
Quite as often as I could have  
Maybe I didn't treat you  
Quite as good as I should have  
Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind_

I open my eyes to see him standing in front of me, hand outstretched, a small smile on his face. "Care to dance?" he asks quietly, and I respond with a small smile and a nod. Rising to my feet, he takes my hand and leads me to the middle of the room, pulling me close to him, one hand gripping mine tightly, the other moving to wrap around my waist, my own free hand slowly moving around his neck. I rest my head against his chest, grateful for him doing this for me. I thought he would be angry with how I acted tonight; I had been expecting an argument when we arrived back home, not an old family remedy, a comfy blue blanket and a slow dance.

_Maybe I didn't hold you  
All those lonely, lonely times  
And I guess I never told you  
I'm so happy that you're mine_

If I made you feel second best  
Girl I'm so sorry I was blind  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind 

"That was really stupid of you tonight Neela…" he speaks finally, and my heart sinks. So much for the nice no argument dance.  
"I know…" I respond quietly, my voice slightly muffled by his chest.  
"You have so much potential…as a Doctor as a person…you don't need to pull this crap. All it will lead to is pain and more trouble then you could ever want…believe me I know. You are an amazing Doctor Neela…don't throw that away because of all this shit…you're way better then that."

_Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died  
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied, satisfied _

I nod and hold him tighter. "Am I? What have I done that's so great? I kicked my husband out for wanting to make a difference in the world, for wanting to serve his country…I used my best friend…hurt him…messed up any chance of being with him…I may be an alright Doctor but as a person I'm crap."

He shakes his head "No Neela. You are amazing you always have been…so you made some bad 

choices…welcome to being human. Everyone does it you don't have to throw everything away because of it…" he pauses and takes a breath "As for the best friend thing…you haven't lost me Neela…you never will…"

_Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time_

I pull my head away from him, swallowing hard. Our eyes meet and he gives me a small smile, which I am unable to not return with one of my own. As we sway gently back and forth to the soft music, I take a breath, wanting so badly to kiss him at that moment, but knowing that would be going too far.

_You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind_

He blinks and takes a breath of his own, then leans downward, catching me off guard, our lips meet and my heart begins to flutter in my chest. All the pain, all the fighting, everything that had happened the past few days disappeared within that moment…with that embrace…I close my eyes and let go of his hand, wrapping it with the other around his neck, standing on my tip toes…nothing mattered now. IT was just us, he and I trapped forever in paradise…

_You were always on my mind_


	7. Chapter 7

The sun shone brightly through the windows as my eyes opened slowly, then shut quickly. My head…god it felt like Ray and his band were in there playing as loudly as they could amps cranked jumping around…I moan and bring a hand to my head, shifting on the small couch…I must have fallen asleep out here after…my eyes open wide again and I move my head away from what I thought was the back of the couch. Looking up, I see Ray, sound asleep, chin rested on the top of my head. More awake now, I shift again and I can feel his strong arm wrapped around me, holding me tight to him. I smile and rest my head back on his chest and close my eyes. Things had worked out in the end…all it took was me dumping my husband, starting a scene in the hospital, getting drunk and getting into a bar fight to make it happen…but it was worth it. After last night…it was all finally working out. Neela could finally be happy. I smile again as I drift back off into a deep sleep…

"Neela!" Ray shouts as I walk through the doors that led to the busy ER.

"Ray!" I shout back with a teasing smile and a roll of my eyes "I just saw you a couple hours ago…not worth getting all excited over seeing me now…" I raise an eyebrow and frown, wondering what he was up to.

Before I could say anything else. He moves from behind the counter and runs to me, lifting me up in the air and spinning me around and planting a soft kiss on my lips. I smile, caught in the moment briefly before pushing him back slightly.

"Ray…we are at work…" I whisper, giving him a look

He shrugs and grins, "I don't care. Talked to Sam, she's cool…been wanting to shout from the rooftops that I love you…man it feels good to say that…" his grin widens "I love you Neela Rasgotra and I don't care who knows it!"

I smile back at him and hug him tightly, but before I could respond to him, tell him that I loved him too, he sets me back on the ground and turns to face the other's standing at the nurse's station, watching us.

"I LOVE THIS GIRL!" he shouts and I can't help but laugh and hug him again, looking down, slightly embarrassed but happy…happiest I had ever been…

"Yippee you're in love good for you both but there are patients here who need your help so get movin…" Carrie says, walking over to us and shoving a chart in each of our hands. "Save the loving for when you're at home we have lives to save…"

I nod and laugh, pulling away from Ray slightly to look at the Chart Carrie had given me.

"Tonight after shift, I'm taking you out for dinner." Ray says quietly, turning to face me again, his wide grin still plastered on his face. "Give you something to look forward to." He leans down to kiss me again, 

and I lean upwards to meet him half way, once again caught in the spell that man had over me.

"Son of a bitch…"

The kiss breaks quickly as a voice is heard from behind us. Both Ray and I turn to the sound, and see Michael standing there, looking disheveled, like he hadn't slept in days, his face twisted in anger.

"Not doing anything with her huh?" he asks pointing an accusing finger at Ray "Just friends you said…I knew you were playing me. I could see it…I could always see it between you two the little looks the jokes just between you two…" he looks to me now, his eyes narrowing, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a gun and pointing it at Ray and I.

My eyes widen, and Ray steps in front of me, hands raised. "Whoa…calm down buddy…we didn't plan it…it just kinda happened and well Neela is happy now. If you cared for her at all, you'd want her to be happy…now can we set the gun down, talk this out like adults…"

Michael shakes his head, his gun hand also starting to shake slightly. "You stole my wife…from under my nose you took her from me…your not an adult you're a snake…a slimy disgusting snake and you need to be put down…"

"Michael you don…" I start, stepping out from behind Ray, but don't get to finish.

The gun goes off, ringing out so loudly, I hear my ears pop, and my eyes close tightly as one of the bullets hit my shoulder, sending a shockwave of pain through my entire body and causing me to fall backwards onto the cold hard waiting room floor. I try to speak, but all that comes out is a soft squeak as my body begins to shake uncontrollably. I hear Ray call my name…but it sounds as if he was calling me from the other end of the hospital. Another shot rings out, but to me it sounds more like a muffled thud, followed by another as a body lands next to me on the floor. Turning my head, I can see Ray laying there, bleeding from his chest, and coughing up more blood onto the floor as he rolls onto his side to look at me.

"Neela…" he chokes out, tears forming in his eyes "I…I lo…love…you…"

I swallow, tears falling down my cheeks now. "I…love you too…" I reply in a choked horse voice. "Hold…on Ray you…you've got to…I just found you I can't loose you now…"

He opens his mouth to speak again, but instead coughs, spraying more blood onto the floor. I wince and close my eyes, the pain in my heart now outweighing the pain in my shoulder. I couldn't loose Ray…was I not allowed to be happy ever? How was this fair? Things had finally begun to work out just as I wanted…

"Back the hell off all of you!" I hear Michael yell to all the rest, his voice still sounding so far away… "Back the hell off now or I will shoot you all…"  


My eyes slowly flicker open and I finally manage to speak. "Michael…" I croak out, my voice so quiet…barely above a whisper "Don't…I…love…him…"

Michael turns back to me, his face twisted in anger now. "You love him? You love him? That is what you say? That is what you think will save you?" he shakes his head "No Neela. There's no way to save you now…" he turns the gun to Ray and fires again, aiming for his skull.

The bullet hits and I am forced to turn my head away, I couldn't watch Ray…my Ray my love…how could Michael do this? I feel the spray of blood and other things I couldn't even bring myself to think of on the back of my head and I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter tears streaming down my face, my own wound forgotten now.

"And now to take care of my bitch wife…" I hear Michael say, but I don't turn to him this time. I couldn't look at his face…his murdering treacherous face. I remember a time in my life when I couldn't look away from him, when seeing his face was all that I ever wanted…I can't believe now what he had turned into…or had he been like this all along?

The gun goes off again and I don't move, I just wait…wait for it to all go away…wait until Ray and I could be reunited again….

The phone rings and I sit straight up, elbowing Ray hard in the ribs. I gasp for breath and clutch my chest, check my head…nothing I was all right…

"Neela what the hell…if you wanted to wake me up you coulda tried something a little less painful…." Ray complains, sitting up next to me

We were on the couch, in our living room…no Michael…no gun and no bullets…I turn to Ray and wrap my arms around him, tears rolling down my cheeks now. It had all felt so real…

"Ok…this is new…could definitely get used to it…" Ray says with a grin, then pulls me away to look into his eyes "Neela…what's wrong?"

I shake my head "Nothing…bad dream…" I sniff and hug him once more. "I love you Ray…" I pull away to look at him again…his face, his eyes…

"I love you too…" he says with another smile "I have since I met you Neela…" he hugs me again then pulls away again. "Nothing can stop that…and nothing ever will." He kisses me passionately and I wrap my arms around his neck, a smile coming to my face now.

The door bursts open violently and Ray and I turn to the sound to see Michael standing there looking disheveled, like he hadn't slept in days…  


"Son of a bitch…"


	8. Chapter 8

"Son of a bitch…" Michael says again as both Ray and I spring from the couch, my heart pounding in my chest even harder then before. Was my dream coming true? Had Michael come here to kill Ray and I? I swallow and cut Ray off, as he was about to speak, Michael reaching into his pocket and pulling out the gun.

"Michael…" I say, fear in my voice now, memories of the dream coming back into my head, filling me with panic. "Nothing will come of you shooting us…you still won't have me…and you will go to jail for the rest of your life…"

"You could get the chair man…who would that help?" Ray chips in, moving to stand in front of me, as he had in my dream. "We can handle this rationally like adults…"

That word brought even more fear into me…adults…I could clearly see the gun, Michael's finger on the trigger…the sound of it going off…

"NOO!" I shout attempting to shove my way in front of Ray, not knowing if the shot I heard was in my mind from the memory of the dream or in the reality that was happening now.

"Neela!" Ray shouts, turning to grab me and push me out of the way. I close my eyes as I hear the bullet connect, but open them as I don't feel it…as my shirt was splattered with blood… "Neela…" Ray says again, this time his voice sounding pained and hoarse. I look down at him, his hand was on his chest, and the blood was already flooding from the wound.

I attempt to hold Ray up, but he began to get incredibly heavy and within seconds, both of us were slumped on the floor, his head rested on my lap, my arms reaching to his wound, putting as much pressure as I could. What had I done? Was I not allowed to have anything? To be happy with a man who I loved, and who loved me in return more then anything else? Tears begin to fall from my eyes now and I look up at Michael, trying to look angry, trying to look anything but what I was… a scared, heartbroken little girl. "Are you going to shoot me now too?" I ask him through tears "Because please, do it Michael…I can't…I can't be with you I can't…go on without him in my life so you'd better just shoot me too…"

He shakes his head, eyes fixated on Ray, his face hard and emotionless. "I could never hurt you Neela…" he says in a low whisper "I love you…I just want…" he stops and looks away, swallowing, slight fear in his eyes now.

"If you really love me Michael, if you care at all you will kill me right now. Aim the gun at my head and blow my brains across the fucking wall…it will be the best thing you could ever do for me…" my tears fell harder then before as I cradle Ray's head in my lap now, hands covered in blood, smearing it on his face and hair. I wasn't even thinking of the face he may not be dead yet. All I could think was my dream, lying there helpless on the floor, Ray's life fading with each passing second… "JUST DO IT!" I scream "Michael 

please just…do it!"

He shakes his head again, pain and fear covering his face now, replacing the stone soldier look. He looks away from me, walks to the opposite wall and leans against it, slamming his fists hard into it. I wished right then I could know what he was thinking, hoping he would finally do the right thing and end me now so Ray and I could be together…he turns back to me just as I had looked back down at Ray, his eyes were closed, his breathing was slowing…it wouldn't be long now. Everything I had learned as a doctor was gone from my head. All I could think about was him, my dream his eyes drooping…my eyes close again, and I lean my head down onto Ray's chest. I can hear Michael crossing the room but I ignore it, and just lay there quietly waiting and preying for death to come to me as well…so I could be with Ray again…

"If we get him to the ER now they can save him." Michael's voice came from above me, causing my eyes to open and my head to rise. He bends down and places a thick towel over Ray's wound. I open my mouth to speak but all that emerges is a tiny squeak. "You love him Neela…I didn't see it before…I couldn't…I just want you to be happy…"

I swallow "What? What are you saying?" I ask, unable to believe what it was he was saying "You want to help us now? You just shot him Michael and now what you're going to treat him?"

Michael shakes his head "No, I'm going to help you get him to county where they will treat and save him...and then leave you alone forever…I just want you happy Neela and if Ray does that…I shouldn't stand in the way…"

I sit there staring up at him dumbfounded, even as he lifts Ray from the ground and begins to carry him to the door. I get to my feet quickly and follow him like a zombie, not having any clue what else to do…what to think…

Not too long later, we arrived at the hospital, Michel lifting Ray from my lap in the backseat, me once again shuffling behind him quietly, not speaking barely blinking or breathing. Ray had to be all right...Michael gave us his blessing…we could be together…

"GSW to the chest…he's lost a lot of blood we need some help!" Michael calls as we enter the ER, causing several people to rush towards us.

"Oh god Ray…" I hear Sam speak, and my eyes shift to her, guilt suddenly filling me. She was with him…and I snuck him out from under her…Sam and I were never really close but we were co workers…I should have tried to speak to her before…no, it didn't matter. I loved Ray, and he loved me. Sam would just have to understand that.

"I…I want to go with him…to the room…" I squeak out "I…I can't…" I can't help the stutter now, my thoughts so jumbled, too much was shooting through me all at once and I was beginning to feel 

incredibly light headed.

"No Neela you need to get looked at…" I hear Luka say, as he approaches me, setting a hand on my shoulder to steady me as they set Ray on a gurney and wheel him off.

"I'm fine he…took the bullet he jumped in front I didn't want him to I tried to stop him…" I say wavering slightly, my eyes drooping as my body begins to relax

A shot from just ahead jolts me out of my stupor and I push away from Luka and rush to the sound…only to see Michael laying on the floor, one side of his head missing, blood pooling everywhere. I fall to my knees and vomit, closing my eyes, wishing now I could wake up again, on the couch cuddled close with Ray after a wonderful evening…

What Had I done? The floor comes at me fast and soon I am confined into blackness…


	9. Chapter 9

"Neela…Neela common sweetie you gotta wake up for me…" I hear Abby's voice call to me, brining me back from the darkness. "Common Neela…"

I open my eyes slowly and moan, blinking rapidly and bringing a hand to my head. "What happened?" I mumble incoherently, still attempting to see more then just blurs in the room with me.

"You passed out…hit your head." Abby replies "No concussion or head trauma but you did go to sleep for a while…had me worried."

My vision becomes clear again just in time to see the worried look on her face. I take a deep breath and close my eyes again, leaning my head back against the pillow before suddenly shooting straight up in the bed. "Ray…oh god he was…I have to be with him I…"

I throw the blankets aside and attempt to get up from the bed, but Abby quickly moves in to stop me, placing her hands on my shoulders and quickly guiding me back onto the bed, laying me down.

"Ray is fine Neela…he came out of surgery, he's in recovery he is going to be fine. The bullet missed his major organs and arteries…you got him here just in time, they were able to get him blood, fix him up…you saved his life Neela."

She gives me a small smile, but I can't help but feel worse at the news. I hadn't done anything but sit there, cradle him in my arms and beg for to be shot as well. The reason we had arrived here in time…the reason Ray was alive was all because of…

"Michael…" I say out loud, my eyed widening as I remembered…the gunshot, the sight of him lying on the floor of the ER, all the blood… "Oh god Michael…" I put my head in my hands and close my eyes, trying to shut out the memories of the tragic end of Michael Gallant, my husband, my friend…I really did love him, despite everything that happened between us recently, and everything I felt for Ray. It wasn't the same though; I loved Ray with all my heart that I was certain of now. Michael was a different kind of love all together, one that had posed as the true love I felt for Ray.

Abby pulls me into a hug again, whispering into my shoulder. "I'm sorry sweetie…he gave Jerry a note…explained everything that happened just before…the cops showed up wanting statements but Kerry scared them away…least for now…"

I smile at her warmly, glad to have at least a few moments to collect my thoughts before having to recount all that had happened back at Ray and I's apartment. Things still felt a little fuzzy to me it had all happened so quickly…the screaming, the shots…If Ray hadn't of stepped in front of me it would be me in that recovery room now…or in the morgue, right next to Michael because I'm sure if he had killed me, Ray most certainly would have killed him. I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath before opening them and looking to Abby once more.

"I want to see him." I say quietly "I…I have to see him…Abby…please."

Abby nods quietly, glancing back at the monitor she had set me up on. "You seem to be alright now, had us worried for a while there when you passed out and hit your head like that…" She reaches over and unhooks me from the machine, then helps me up from the bed, out into the hall and towards the elevator. My heart was racing the whole ride up, the long walk down the hall that had always seemed so small before…I swallow as I reach for the handle on the door to Ray's room. I didn't want to see him lying there all helpless, because of me…he almost died and it was all because he loved me.

I step inside the room, not even daring to turn on the light, my eyes fixed on the dark shape on the bed. I move to his side like a robot working on its program, taking his hand in mine, tears welling in my eyes. "Ray…" I whisper, moving my free hand to brush his usually spiky, but now flattened hair from his forehead so I could lean down to kiss it gently.

He stirs slightly at my touch; eyes slowly creeping open to look into mine, only causing my tears to pour harder.

"Neela…" he says, his voice a hushed whisper

I nod and swallow again. "Yes Ray, it's me…" came my choked answer

"You're ok…" he says, trying to sit up, but I stop him, shaking my head.

"Yes Ray I'm fine…it's you I'm worried about…"

"I'm fine…got the miracle of morphine workin for me…what about Michael? They take him to jail?"

I look down, wiping my eyes and taking a deep breath, shaking my head as I find myself unable to speak. I sniffle and look up again, his soft eyes only making me feel worse. He brings a hand to cup my cheek and I clear my throat, managing to choke out "He's dead Ray…just after they admitted you he…shot himself." I break down, burying my head into his chest. He strokes my hair lightly, silently as I sob into his chest, the sound of his heart beating and the feel as his chest rises and falls calming me slightly.

"It will be ok Neela…" he whispers, kissing the top of my head "I'm fine and you're fine…we can get passed this…I love you and I know we can get passed this."

I lift my head from his chest, once again wiping the tears from my eyes. I loved him so much but was that enough? I loved Michael and look what happened to him…I swallow and shake my head.

"No Ray…" I say quietly, moving away from the bed "I can't…"

"What?" he asks, giving me a look that crushed my heart to see  


"I can't do this I…Michael is dead you almost went with him…"

He shakes his head "Neela…bad as this may sound, Michael is gone. We aren't in any danger anymore…unless you have other jealous army husbands out there…we don't have to hide anymore…pretend there's nothing between us. You love me an I love you that's all we need…"

I sigh, bringing a hand to my head as I began to feel light headed again. This was all…too much at once…these past few…whatever it's been…I couldn't believe I was even considering leaving him like this after all he did for me when Michael was away, when Michael and I were fighting…he loved me and here I was spitting in his face.

"Neela…" I hear his voice say my name, but it felt like he was miles away from me. My eyes droop and I feel my legs fall beneath me…

But I never felt myself hit the ground.


	10. Chapter 10

Why was this happening? Why was it that just when I thought I had my life in order, something like this goes and happens? Never in my life had I ever thought this kind of thing would be happening to me, it felt like something out of a bad soap opera…

"Neela…" I hear his voice call my name from what seemed like miles away. Where was I? Where was he? It was so dark here…my eyes were open but I may as well keep them closed…or were they closed? I couldn't tell…and why wouldn't my arms work? My mind began to work quickly, panicking at the state I was in. Was I paralyzed? Would I ever be able to move again? Open my eyes? See his beautiful face looking down at me? I could feel myself being lifted off the ground now and set on a less hardened surface that smelled like him…felt someone laying there beside me, arms wrapped around me and my panic mind began to calm suddenly at his touch, and I found myself once again slipping into the realm of sleep.

"Son of a bitch…" I heard Michael's voice ring out in my head, then the shot, the blood everywhere, holding Ray's limp body in my arms…I had almost lost him…my dream begins to meld with the reality and I hear the gun go off again, I feel the bullet dig into me, but instead of Michael standing over me, this time I see Sam staring down at me with angry dead eyes, a scowl on her features. "You couldn't leave well enough alone could you?" she asks anger in her voice "You had to have Ray…no matter what. You're husband is dead, Ray was shot…and me…well it looks like there's yet another man in this E.R who just forgot me for another woman…" She shakes her head, obviously holding back tears "Well I hope you had fun…"

Another shot is heard and I sit straight up in the bed, blinking and looking around the room quickly, my hands moving to my chest, checking for any bullet wounds and finding none. I sigh with relief and run my hands through my hair, turning to look at Ray, who was sleeping soundly beside me, a smile forming on my lips…that was until I looked up to see Sam sitting at his side, tears in her eyes. I jump back a little, knowing my violent dreams seemed to have a knack for coming at least partly true as of late, and I was through with guns and bullets…had my fill for the next millennium.

"Sam…" I speak quietly

She shakes her head, her blonde hair coming loose, and falling into her face. "Don't Neela…" she speaks quietly "Nothing you can say will…" a tear slips down her cheek and I am immediately filled with incredible guilt. Ray had been with Sam, much as they both insisted they weren't dating, I could tell she cared for him.

"Sam I'm sorry I didn't mean to…" I try, once again cut off by a shake of the blonde's head

"No Neela. You are the one he wants. You were always the one he wanted…part of me knew that when I was with him I just…never thought…" she sighs and looks down, taking a deep breath before standing to her feet. "Be good to him." She says quietly "After all he's been through, he deserves it."

Before I can reply, she quickly leaves the room, and I am left sitting up in the hospital bed, Ray sleeping soundly next to me. I felt bad for Sam, I really did. First Luka moves on and gets Abby pregnant two seconds after Sam left him, and now I stole Ray right from under her. But part of me, the joyous happy part of me that was glad to finally have Ray with me kept telling the guilty part that she would get over it. She was a big girl, and Ray made his choice. She had been a lot more mature about it then Michael had. Another pang of guilt echoes in my heart at the thought of Michael, my husband…now lying dead on a metal slab in the morgue because of his stupid jealous selfishness. I swallow and move to get up, but a voice stops me.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, after all the fainting you've been doing lately."

I frown and glance to the door, still closed no one standing there, then look back to Ray, frown disappearing, transforming into a wide grin. I lay back down, head on his chest, and he wraps an arm around me, holding me tight to him.

"Well, you are a doctor so you are probably right. I'm just so weak…I don't think I should EVER get up from this spot right here…" I reply, closing my eyes

"Dam straight." He replies, kissing the top of my head lightly, brushing my bangs away from my face.

I open my eyes and look back up at him, smile still plaguing my face. Suddenly I am filled with the incredible urge to kiss him, which for once I do not repress.

He kisses me back lovingly, pulling away only when he needed to catch his breath. He grins down at me. "Only problem with that plan is Luka told me I could go home as soon as you woke up…"

I laugh and nod "Yeah…well I'm sure I can last standing until we get home…your bed was always more comfortable then mine…"

He grins and kisses my forehead "Yeah it has hasn't it?" he laughs "And when we get there, if you are feeling up to it, you Dr Rasgotra can look me over, make sure everything still…works."

I grin back at him, leaning up to kiss him once again, this one deeper, more passionate, showing him I wanted nothing more then to get back to the apartment and make sure he was still… "In working order" "Well then, what are we waiting for?" I ask slyly.

"You to get off me…." Ray replies smartly "But, no rush there…"

We once again share a deep passionate kiss, my heart swelling in my chest, my mind perfectly at ease now. This was the way things were SUPPOSED to be, Ray and I were together, no one was stepping in our way…

And I had never been so happy in my entire life.


End file.
